Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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