no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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