I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
