My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Oh god it's open bar.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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