life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
