Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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