I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
