the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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