Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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