So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
