I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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