Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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