I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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