my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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