My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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