My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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