Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
