I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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