Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You're earring is so big in my mouth
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
