I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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