gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
