its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
