I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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