Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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