it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
