I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
