I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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