You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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