I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
