The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
