And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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