i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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