An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
