Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
