a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
