What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
