Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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