guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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