I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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