Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
