He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
