I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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