Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
