I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
