Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
