hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
this beer tastes like vomit already
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
