yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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