There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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