The maid of honor just puked.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
