No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
