I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
