I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
