I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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