He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
