We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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