I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
How does it feel to date your dad?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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