just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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