Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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