Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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