this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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