went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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