i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
