just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
