so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
